My husband and I are 8 days away from our big 10 year anniversary of marriage and I am pleased to say we have reached a level of vulnerability with each other (that took years in the making) that led to deep, difficult, honest conversations about ourselves as individuals, our marriage, family, and future. Over the past week, we uncovered and talked about lingering resentment, offense, and unforgiveness we held against each other and worked through them. To be transparent, our marriage had become stale and mediocre. Somewhere along the years, our focus had shifted from each other and became fixated on raising the children and other responsibilities. We had lost ourselves and made no real effort to communicate on a deeper level. We suppressed our own emotional battles about unmet expectations and personal failures in hopes of keeping the peace (because it was the easier thing to do), but that only drew us further apart emotionally. We had become more like roommates than husband and wife.

With much prayer, intentionality, and humility, we decided to put as much effort into our marriage as we do with everything else. I don’t pretend to be an expert in all things marriage or put on a facade that we have it all figured out but by the grace of God, not only are we surviving but started taking intentional steps to thrive.

Why is it so hard to forgive and so easy to become offended by our spouses? It’s so easy to criticize our spouses and have less patience and grace for them. We often give more grace to complete strangers than we do the one whom we’re supposed to be with ’til death do us part; focusing more on their shortcomings instead of their strengths. I must say, my husband sometimes get the worst version of me…worst moods and attitudes, less kindness, more nagging, and so on. He sometimes invoke the most negative feelings out of me than anyone else and often receive the brunt of my stress and frustration; it is unfair to him (regardless if I feel justified). If I am to mirror the image of God to others, it must first start at home with the one closest to me, my husband. It is no surprise though because the enemy hates Godly marriages and enjoys seeing a divided home. We have given him the satisfaction long enough, it is time to strap our boots and fight for our marriages. Divorce is not an option and mediocrity has overstayed it’s welcome. I want my marriage to be great!

I encourage any married couple currently going through a stale, mediocre marriage; holding on to resentment and unforgiveness; or living as roommates coming together only for the sake of the kids to prayerfully take a moment to evaluate your heart. Lay out all of your emotions and expectations (even unmet ones) on the table and be completely honest with yourself and your spouse, even if it hurts (you can’t resolve a problem if you refuse to shed light on it). Dig deep inside and uncover the part you play in the mess…not EVERYTHING is his/her fault. Be opened to hear his/her piece without taking offense. Stop trying to play God in his/her life or try to control the situation and allow God to do the heart transformation necessary in both of you. Allow God to reveal your faults and ask Him to show you how to be a better spouse. Choose to do your part, even if he/she slacks off on his/her part. Stop trying to keep a tally mark of all the things you’re doing and he/she is not, for love does not hold a records of wrong (this is one of my biggest struggles but God is helping me through it).

I encourage you to communicate with your spouse to discuss those issues and work together to come up with a solution. Seek counseling if possible. Be intentional about being present in your marriage and create time for each other apart from the kids, even if it’s 15 minutes on the patio while they’re doing homework or watching TV inside the house. Most importantly, don’t ever stop praying and seeking God for yourself and each other.

I must honestly say, if it were not for our faith in God, incessant prayers, and relentless hope we would have given up on each other already. A thriving marriage takes work and doesn’t happen overnight, just like everything else worth having. You can do it with God’s help and much effort.

I want our children to look at our marriage and desire it. I want our marriage to represent what God intended for marriage to be. I’ll leave on this note,
“Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33 NKJV). And remember “love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4‭-‬5‭, ‬7 NIV); let that be our reference guide for our marriages.

Dear Lord,

I thank you for my spouse and my marriage. Help us to be the wife/husband you called us to be. To encourage instead of criticize, to stand together instead of apart. Help us to be intentional about making our marriage thrive instead of taking the easy route of mediocrity or divorce. Help us stand on your word and choose to love instead of hate. Help us to work through our issues and imperfections as we look to you to transform our hearts. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Relatable verses:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4‭-‬5‭, ‬7 NIV
https://bible.com/bible/111/1co.13.4-7.NIV

Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:33 NKJV https://bible.com/bible/114/eph.5.33.NKJV

Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23‭-‬24 NKJV https://bible.com/bible/114/mat.5.23-24.NKJV

Unless the Lord builds the house, They labor in vain who build it; Unless the Lord guards the city, The watchman stays awake in vain. Psalms 127:1 NKJV https://bible.com/bible/114/psa.127.1.NKJV